So it's been just a little while since my last post... ok more than just a little while :) But I've been busy! No really!
Let's see.. Christmas was fun... really busy. But fun. Between Larry and I working so much and not really seeing each other, it honestly didn't feel like Christmas at all until Christmas day, and then it was just kind of... over. But it snowed Christmas eve like CRAZY, so that helped it to feel a little more Christmas-y. :)
Mel and Chris came in town, and we got to see them a couple of times together before he left to go back home. I got to spend a WHOLE DAY with Mel in Dallas, we had a pretty good time :) I love that girl more than she knows! I enjoy so much just getting to go shop around with her and get coffee and just sit and talk and be ourselves. It's comfortable, just being together and talking about whatever comes up. I'm so blessed to have her around, even if she's not technically "around' very much! Fortunately, Skype is free and we get to talk fairly often. Though I haven't had the chance to really talk to her since she's been gone. Hopefully we'll get to catch up soon, though!
Beyond that... we've both just been working and I've picked up a couple of gigs playing oboe around the area... The most recent was for a production of "Little Women: The Musical" at North Crowley High School. Fun times. I don't really have anything to say about it except it was really cold and I still haven't been paid. haha. The kids did a really great job, they're all super-talented and the play went really well.
Larry is getting ready to go back to school. He wants to do the A&P program at TCC (aeronautics mechanic and technician... I think), then head to flight school so he can be a pilot for a major company. It must seem really random to pretty much anyone but me and his family, but he's actually wanted to be a pilot since he was really little. I guess he just never looked into it because it just didn't seem like an attainable reality. I was a little surprised when he told me, but I'm just glad he's found something he will want to do for the rest of his life that he will both enjoy and be paid well. He's doing all the research and has started the application process, so hopefully he'll be able to start this summer and get going with all of it.
I'm so happy that he's picked something that he's excited about and will enjoy. I really am. I'm glad it's only a 2-year program, and that financial aid stuff seems to be in our favor so far. I'm excited that he's come to the realization that sound engineering can only get you so far, and that he's pretty much already hit the glass ceiling as far as salary is concerned in that field. I'm even more excited about the fact that I didn't have to tell him as much, I just don't think it would've been conducive to our relationship for me to have said something along those lines to him.
It's a great program, he's already had interviews with several flight instructors at different schools and companies, and everything we're hearing is that it's a great field with pretty much limitless employment opportunities. I just want to go into it with both eyes wide open. I want to know everything about it and I want to know exactly what to expect, when to expect it, with what and how.
I'm excited for us to kind of "get a move on," so to speak, with our life. I'm so glad we're headed in a direction that actually seems to have a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just... not going to happen tomorrow. Or in a month. Or in six months. Or in a year. It's not going to get better immediately. You know? There's just no immediate benefit. And I guess I'm just having a hard time with it.
Some days are better than others... There's plenty of days, most days, actually, that I can really deal with all of it, and I feel like I'm adjusting, and I feel like I can actually handle all of it. I feel that I'm managing the overwhelming pressure of living in our current situation for another two years. I'm dealing with it, and pretty well, at that. Then there's other days that simply aren't that way. That I just get swallowed up by grief, by frustration and sorrow and anger and sadness. And doubt. I wonder on these days how I'm going to make it another two years. I wondered just yesterday how it was possible to face another day knowing it wasn't even a small dent in the next 730 days I'll be stuck in the same situation.
Luckily those days are few and far between. I don't want anyone's pity, or advice, or counsel, or understanding. I just can't say it to anyone out loud, because it makes it real. It's just easier to get it out there to an anonymous white screen and to type it in the dark and quiet than it is to speak it into being. I just needed to air it out. That's all.
Besides, today is a new day. It's a new year, there's a new blanket of snow outside in the yard, and I have a new free day off work. I also have a new load of laundry to do and new messes to clean up, so it really doesn't make much sense to sit here and piss and moan about it. Whether or not I like the situation or think I can even handle it anymore, it's going to happen. So why am I sitting around whining about it? Yeah, I don't know either.
I'm thinking I'll go ahead and get up and just make the best of today, it's the best I can do.
Peace and love,
and if I figure out how to post the videos of us playing in the snow yesterday, I will.
Beebs, It's okay to bitch and moan sometimes. Especially when there's something worth moaning about. :) There have been so many days that I've just sat on the futon on our living room while Chris is at work feeling utterly alone. Like, this is what I always wanted you know, for us to be together finally. That was my 730 day fight, my dream, the countdown....so why don't I feel fulfilled?? It hurts. :( I feel like any time I try to talk to someone about it they basically tell me to suck it up, get over it, be happy with my husband and the life I've chosen and I AM happy with him....but the rest is really hard. I feel like I'm in a constant limbo, constantly telling myself "next year will be better, next year is the year, just make it through this year and it will look up" and it never does...I feel like I'm always waiting for when things get better, for when things look up, for when I can be happy, truly inside and out.... ::sigh:: Here's to both of us trying to figure out how to be happy in the here and now..... but until we do, it's okay to cry sometimes. Even when everyone's telling you to get over it. It's okay. ::hug::
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