So.. about that tough decision.

I was really hesitant to post it on here, just because I didn't even want to take the chance that someone other Mel or Amber would read it and cause drama. But then I realized, no one knows about this other than Mel or Amber! haha. I don't know what I was so worried about.

So the big news? That tough decision? We decided on Tuesday night to leave the church and go elsewhere. I've discussed it pretty extensively with both Mel and Amber, Amber being the most recent. She really encouraged me with the story about Abraham, where God told him to go, and he'd tell him where he needed to be when he got there. We don't know where exactly we need to be, but we'll know when we get there.

The main reason we're leaving is that we just need to be together. We've been going to different churches and it's really started to wear on us, and we just need to be together. Since Larry works at a church on Sunday mornings, it's only logical that I would go to be with him since I'm the one that actually has that choice. Secondly, we know we're not being challenged to grow spiritually at HighRidge. We don't want to assign blame or point fingers, but we simply need to be somewhere where we can grow spiritually, together.

There are other things that have influenced our decision of course, but they're all minor details in comparison with our primary reasons for leaving. None of those minor reasons are eternal, and they simply can't be changed by any action on our part. So whether they are right or wrong neither depends on nor concerns me and Larry, and it's not up to us to make a judgment about them.

Anyways. So we made the decision Tuesday night, and I didn't feel like it would be right to email them then and just leave them hanging for Wednesday rehearsal or Sunday morning, so we decided that we would write a formal letter, and once I got done with my rotation on Sunday I would put it in their box and leave and just not come back. We didn't feel like we should schedule a meeting and sit down and hash it out, because there's honestly nothing we couldn't just state in a letter, and when we're face to face we would run the risk of it becoming a more emotional thing than what we'd want. We just want to write a letter, say that we just need to be together in a place where we will be challenged to grow spiritually, and leave it at that. And whatever their reaction will be, we'll just deal with it then.

It was so strange to be at rehearsal last night though, I felt like such a fraud for being there and pretending like it was just any other week, not my last rehearsal at HighRidge ever. I felt like such an impostor, talking to people like I wasn't really trying to say goodbye to them. It was such an odd feeling, I felt like I was seeing everything through different eyes or something. I just remember that the pattern in the carpet was just so clear, and the exact fabric of the chairs. I don't know, maybe I just knew it was the next to last time I would have the chance to look at it. Isn't it strange the things we remember?

It was really hard to have conversations with people about things happening in the future, knowing full well that I wouldn't be there to take part in them, but having to pretend like I would be so I didn't give the big secret away. I felt awful talking to Steve Schoch and Steve Bowden in particular, they're just such cool guys, and I just know it's going to hurt their feelings a little bit when they find out. I already told Justin myself last night, and I think I'll end up sending an email to Steve Bowden and have Larry call Steve Schoch, I just don't want them to find out about it from anyone else but us. It just seems unfair somehow.

Oh well. I mean, we can't assume how anyone will react at this point. And Larry made a really good observation the other night, he said that the people who are meant to be our friends after this point will be there, and the people that aren't just won't be there. He's so wise about things like that. Well, in general, but especially about hard decisions involving relationships. I'm so glad I have him to encourage me that way, I don't think I would've been able to make this decision and stick with it, knowing that I was going to disappoint people the way we're about to.  But we made the right decision, and we're sticking with it, regardless of how hard it gets in the meantime. We know it's the right step to take. And that we're simply not going to be able to move on with our lives if we're still allowing ourselves to be trapped there.

Now all that remains is to write the letter, sign it, grow a pair and give it to them on Sunday. Wish me luck??

xoxo
schmashmelia

Tough Decisions

"God will never leave you empty. If something is taken away, He will replace it with something better. If He denies your request in a certain area, it is because He wishes to give you what is best. If He asks you to put something down, it is so you can pick up something greater."

-Roy Lessin

Had to make a tough decision yesterday. But I saw this on a friend's Facebook status, and I was encouraged. The decision is made, I just think the follow-through will be the hardest. But Larry and I are both believing that there is something better for us than our current situation. More later :)

Time for a haircut?

 

I think my bangs are a little too long... what do you think??

I've been working on growing my hair out for 1 year and nearly 5 months. In this time, I've gone to the above picture, from this one:

Not bad... I'm not really good at being consistent with my hairstyles. I've been impressed with how long I've kept committed to growing my hair out! It's changed colors of course... and it's been shaped up to suit it's various lengths in the meantime... but I've continued to let it grow. I think I just have really bad hair ADD. I think I kind of live vicariously through my hair... if that is even possible. My life isn't terribly exciting, so I make up for it with changing my hair constantly. haha.

I got my first real urge to change it the other day... I saw the picture below in a catalog for a new line we're picking up at the store called Coal Considered.

 

I LOVE her haircut. There are a couple of other pictures of this same model in the catalog, and the back is all asymmetrical, where it's really short in some spots and kind of long and wispy in others. My only objections to this kind of haircut are: 

1. I don't wear hats on a daily basis, and I don't know if it would be this cute without the hat.
2. When I had really short hair, it added 10 pounds, because my face is wide and my features are kind of flat. That, and when I gain weight, I show it in my face first and foremost. I could just lose 10-20 pounds, but realistically, I like cake. I can't guarantee I wouldn't gain it back oh say, around my birthday. Or the holidays.

So if I don't cut it short again, I would keep growing it, so that it would be really long. Like in the picture below:

Yes, I know she's asian. And that I am not. But this is the general idea, if I were to keep it long. What do we think? I think maybe the short hair would be more manageable for me, especially since I don't wash it that often, but I really like the idea of having long-ish hair. It makes me feel really feminine to have it longer.

Thoughts?

The Mushroom Planet Books

I just finished (well, not just... like, yesterday...) reading the first book in the Mushroom Planet series, it's called The Wonderful Flight to the Mushroom Planet. It's a kids' series, it was one of the very first sci-fi books written for children, in the from 1954 onward. The author is Eleanor Cameron, this is the cover of the first book:

I read the whole series for the first time when I was in 6th grade, and I've probably read it three or four times. I JUST found the second book on Amazon, along with a few of the other books. Luckily, the second book I found was a hardcover in good used condition for 12.99. Some sellers wanted upwards of 50.00 for them! And one even wanted freaking 600.00!!!! WTF?!? What book is worth that much money??? Anyways. It's a really fun series, and I'm enjoying reading it again from a more mature perspective :)

Tuesday is the day off :)

That's right, today is my day off... from everything! Exercise, work... all of that :) I slept in until 11:00 today, when I was woken by my wonderful husband, who told me he'd made me breakfast! How did I get blessed with such a wonderful man? Not only is it NOT his day off, he had to be up at 4:30 a.m. to go run sound for a 6:00 a.m. men's prayer service, he came back and napped, then got up and made me breakfast before he left to go to work all day today! I don't know when I did something so nice for him last, I'm ashamed to say. I'll have to get cracking on spoiling him rotten this week :)

So we ate together, then he finished getting ready and left for work. I laid in bed for a little while longer, then I got up and went to the store. I got back a little while ago, mixed up a big pot of chili, and now I'm sitting in front of the tv watching Seven Pounds and writing about what I'm doing! Not a bad day at all so far :) There's even flurries of snow falling outside. It feels a little bit like Christmas Break, and I'm feeling all warm and snuggly :) haha.

I just need to finish my laundry from yesterday and make sure the chili doesn't burn. haha.

Maybe I'll update again a little while later, if there's anything worth writing about :)

OH I almost forgot! New Music!

Larry got a new CD from our friend Brad (who is an EXCELLENT photographer, you should look at his work, it's INCREDIBLE!), and I'm in love with it!!

They are called Needtobreathe, and this is the first song off their latest, Outsiders. It's called Outsiders. lol. It's the song that pulls up on my playlist right now, but just in case I change it, here it is:




I'm discovering that I love bluegrass/folk style music. I'm partial to music that has open chords, banjo or mandolin (or both!), handclaps/foot stomps/snapping, and basically everything else that would make bluegrass/folk music what it is. It just adds a uniquely and refreshingly human element to the music, it just makes it more... real? I guess? Pure music, is what it is. It's not the canned stuff on the radio. Not processed to perfection. You can hear that he oversings a little, that pitch isn't always exactly perfect (not autotuned...). But that's what makes it so enjoyable and unique. The imperfection makes it feel familiar, like home.

Not that there's anything wrong with what's on the radio, it has its place for sure, and I have my days where I just need a little Britney to get me through, lol. This is just one of those albums I could listen to over and over again for weeks on end and not get bored.

These guys are great, you should definitely listen to their other stuff. The whole Outsiders album is great, if you're into that sort of thing. ;)

Anyways, I love it and I'm happy to recommend them. I can't wait to get ahold of their earlier albums and check them out!

February 22, 2010

Me and the Winston at work :)

So I decided that, instead of titling all of my posts "UPDATE" or "Update" or "Update... Finally," I would start dating them, because that makes more sense. haha. Because, technically, they're all updates. And I can't for the life of me seem to remember to write even just a little something every day, so they're kind of spaced out. 

Let's see... I guess there's actually kind of a lot to update about! So I'll try to condense it :)

1) I got Larry to read a book. AN ACTUAL BOOK!

Not that there's really anything technically wrong with NOT reading for pleasure, but we end up watching a LOT of TV in the time that we have together, which is usually really late at night. Watching TV or movies after like, 11:00 at night always keys me up and I have a hard time sleeping. I've always liked to read before bed, it relaxes me and kind of helps me wind down. Larry doesn't sleep very well, and he's kind of a night owl, so I thought maybe if we turned the TV off earlier, and got into bed and we both read for a little bit or just talked or something, it would help us both sleep. I mean, we already moved the TV out of our room, and that made a HUGE difference, so maybe if we tried winding down a little bit before we hit the hay we'd sleep even better? It was just a theory, but I think it's actually working really well. We're both falling asleep quicker, sleeping longer and having better quality of sleep, so that's good. 

Reading also improves vocabulary and language, and cognitive function, so I think it's definitely a good thing all around. I just had to find things that he would like to read, and I think I kind of hit the nail on the head with the Ender series by Orson Scott Card. He LOVES sci-fi stuff, and he devoured the first book, so we'll see how the rest of the series goes.

2) I started working out.

Yes, I know. We all thought it was impossible, but I just decided that it wouldn't be that hard to take better care of myself. I don't think that I'm fat, I don't think I'm unhealthy or a slob or anything like that, I just think that I could look and feel better and just feel better about myself. I'm doing abs Wed/Fri/Sun and legs Thurs/Sat/Mon. I'm resting on Tuesdays because Tuesdays are my day off and I want it to be my for real day off. haha. I'm going to walk/jog with Winston at some point, either in the mornings or at night, I haven't decided yet. But he needs to lose some poundage too. I'm going to start with that for the first couple of weeks, and then I'll figure in an arm/shoulder/back workout somewhere. I wanted to start with abs/legs because they need the most work :) I've been going for two days straight (which is a record for me... hahahaha) and I'm really sore, so I'm looking forward to not getting up early tomorrow morning!

3) I made fish, and Larry ate it!

Anyone who knows Larry knows what a huge feat that is. haha. I just got tilapia, which has a VERY mild flavor, and marinated it in crushed garlic, onions, white wine and olive oil. Then I baked it for half an hour at 350 with salt, pepper, paprika and tomatoes. It turned out really good, and Larry ate all of it and even said he didn't mind it. haha. I guess that's as good a compliment as I'm going to get for making him eat fish, so I'll take it. :) I'm proud of him, anyways, he's been making a HUGE effort to eat things outside his comfort zone, because he knows I like a lot of different kinds of food, and he wants to be able to enjoy it all with me :) Such a sweetie!

4) SPEAKING OF FOOD. We went to Tillman's Roadhouse for Valentine's Day.

Tillman's Roadhouse Website

 

  

 

It was food sex. That is all. So so so so so good. I highly recommend it to ANYONE who enjoys eating. Pricey, but you definitely wouldn't have to spend what we did, we just kind of went all out, since it was a special occasion and we don't do that very often. It was a wonderful experience, and we can't wait to go back! And take everyone we know to eat there...

__________________________________________________________________

Aaaaaaaaaaand... I think that's about all for now. I'm hoping to get Amber on here so she can at least see my blog, since we don't get to talk very often. I think she'd enjoy it, but we'll see :)

Peace and love,

xoxo

First Post of the New Year!

So it's been just a little while since my last post... ok more than just a little while :) But I've been busy! No really!

Let's see.. Christmas was fun... really busy. But fun. Between Larry and I working so much and not really seeing each other, it honestly didn't feel like Christmas at all until Christmas day, and then it was just kind of... over. But it snowed Christmas eve like CRAZY, so that helped it to feel a little more Christmas-y. :)

Mel and Chris came in town, and we got to see them a couple of times together before he left to go back home. I got to spend a WHOLE DAY with Mel in Dallas, we had a pretty good time :) I love that girl more than she knows! I enjoy so much just getting to go shop around with her and get coffee and just sit and talk and be ourselves. It's comfortable, just being together and talking about whatever comes up. I'm so blessed to have her around, even if she's not technically "around' very much! Fortunately, Skype is free and we get to talk fairly often. Though I haven't had the chance to really talk to her since she's been gone. Hopefully we'll get to catch up soon, though!

Beyond that... we've both just been working and I've picked up a couple of gigs playing oboe around the area... The most recent was for a production of "Little Women: The Musical" at North Crowley High School. Fun times. I don't really have anything to say about it except it was really cold and I still haven't been paid. haha. The kids did a really great job, they're all super-talented and the play went really well.

Larry is getting ready to go back to school. He wants to do the A&P program at TCC (aeronautics mechanic and technician... I think), then head to flight school so he can be a pilot for a major company. It must seem really random to pretty much anyone but me and his family, but he's actually wanted to be a pilot since he was really little. I guess he just never looked into it because it just didn't seem like an attainable reality. I was a little surprised when he told me, but I'm just glad he's found something he will want to do for the rest of his life that he will both enjoy and be paid well. He's doing all the research and has started the application process, so hopefully he'll be able to start this summer and get going with all of it.

I'm so happy that he's picked something that he's excited about and will enjoy. I really am. I'm glad it's only a 2-year program, and that financial aid stuff seems to be in our favor so far. I'm excited that he's come to the realization that sound engineering can only get you so far, and that he's pretty much already hit the glass ceiling as far as salary is concerned in that field. I'm even more excited about the fact that I didn't have to tell him as much, I just don't think it would've been conducive to our relationship for me to have said something along those lines to him.

It's a great program, he's already had interviews with several flight instructors at different schools and companies, and everything we're hearing is that it's a great field with pretty much limitless employment opportunities. I just want to go into it with both eyes wide open. I want to know everything about it and I want to know exactly what to expect, when to expect it, with what and how.

I'm excited for us to kind of "get a move on," so to speak, with our life. I'm so glad we're headed in a direction that actually seems to have a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just... not going to happen tomorrow. Or in a month. Or in six months. Or in a year. It's not going to get better immediately. You know? There's just no immediate benefit. And I guess I'm just having a hard time with it.

Some days are better than others... There's plenty of days, most days, actually, that I can really deal with all of it, and I feel like I'm adjusting, and I feel like I can actually handle all of it. I feel that I'm managing the overwhelming pressure of living in our current situation for another two years. I'm dealing with it, and pretty well, at that. Then there's other days that simply aren't that way. That I just get swallowed up by grief, by frustration and sorrow and anger and sadness. And doubt. I wonder on these days how I'm going to make it another two years. I wondered just yesterday how it was possible to face another day knowing it wasn't even a small dent in the next 730 days I'll be stuck in the same situation.

Luckily those days are few and far between. I don't want anyone's pity, or advice, or counsel, or understanding. I just can't say it to anyone out loud, because it makes it real. It's just easier to get it out there to an anonymous white screen and to type it in the dark and quiet than it is to speak it into being. I just needed to air it out. That's all.

Besides, today is a new day. It's a new year, there's a new blanket of snow outside in the yard, and I have a new free day off work. I also have a new load of laundry to do and new messes to clean up, so it really doesn't make much sense to sit here and piss and moan about it. Whether or not I like the situation or think I can even handle it anymore, it's going to happen. So why am I sitting around whining about it? Yeah, I don't know either.

I'm thinking I'll go ahead and get up and just make the best of today, it's the best I can do.

Peace and love,
and if I figure out how to post the videos of us playing in the snow yesterday, I will.