Hey... so... remember that post where I was talking about the board game and feeling like people who don't do jack in life are always exactly where I want to be and getting the things I've worked so hard for?
Remember what specific issue started that whole post?
Well good. Because it's happening ALL OVER AGAIN. Awesome.
I had honestly fooled myself into believing that since I'd made other plans, started to go a different direction with my life, take opportunities and all of that, I wouldn't feel this way again. I honestly don't know what it is about this whole situation that hurts so badly, but the only thing I can think of is that deep down, I really want THAT. THAT is what I want so much more than anything else I could ever want with my life. And I guess the fact that it's totally out of my control and totally out of my grasp just kills me.
Why should I bother worrying about it? It will happen soon enough, exactly when it's supposed to, but the fact that it's not any closer today than it was six months ago just grieves me. I had a really honest conversation with a good friend about how I was feeling (after I'd taken half an hour to just freak out), and she had some really great advice (beyond just understanding how I feel).
She said it wasn't wrong to be upset, or to be grieved that it wasn't my situation just yet. That it's not wrong to feel that it's somehow unfair, or to need a few days to get over it. But she made a point to say that there's got to be a separation between what I'm feeling (grief, depression, frustration, anger) about my situation, and what I'm feeling about theirs. If the roles were reversed, and it were me in her situation, would I want someone to be angry at me for something I 1) had a limited amount of control over, and 2) that I'm really excited about? Of course not. It definitely helped to talk to her about it, and get some perspective from someone who's really been there in the midst of it.
It doesn't really make me feel any better, but at least I've got more of a clear head about it.
Ugh.
