Hey... so... remember that post where I was talking about the board game and feeling like people who don't do jack in life are always exactly where I want to be and getting the things I've worked so hard for?
Remember what specific issue started that whole post?
Well good. Because it's happening ALL OVER AGAIN. Awesome.
I had honestly fooled myself into believing that since I'd made other plans, started to go a different direction with my life, take opportunities and all of that, I wouldn't feel this way again. I honestly don't know what it is about this whole situation that hurts so badly, but the only thing I can think of is that deep down, I really want THAT. THAT is what I want so much more than anything else I could ever want with my life. And I guess the fact that it's totally out of my control and totally out of my grasp just kills me.
Why should I bother worrying about it? It will happen soon enough, exactly when it's supposed to, but the fact that it's not any closer today than it was six months ago just grieves me. I had a really honest conversation with a good friend about how I was feeling (after I'd taken half an hour to just freak out), and she had some really great advice (beyond just understanding how I feel).
She said it wasn't wrong to be upset, or to be grieved that it wasn't my situation just yet. That it's not wrong to feel that it's somehow unfair, or to need a few days to get over it. But she made a point to say that there's got to be a separation between what I'm feeling (grief, depression, frustration, anger) about my situation, and what I'm feeling about theirs. If the roles were reversed, and it were me in her situation, would I want someone to be angry at me for something I 1) had a limited amount of control over, and 2) that I'm really excited about? Of course not. It definitely helped to talk to her about it, and get some perspective from someone who's really been there in the midst of it.
It doesn't really make me feel any better, but at least I've got more of a clear head about it.
Ugh.
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ReplyDeleteOh little Beebs, maybe it was because you'd had a couple days to get over it but I didn't know you were all that upset when I talked to you Saturday. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm always a bit nervous to comment on situations like this when it comes to close friends because I'm not very good at saying what they want to hear rather than what they need to hear...you've said before that you like that though, so hopefully that applies here!
I think you really need to stop comparing your life to other people's, especially if it's making you this miserable. I'm not saying that it's unnatural to feel envious of people who have what you want; I know I can relate especially when it seems like they haven't worked any harder to deserve it, but life is *not* a game of chance. It's not Monopoly. There's no such thing as a chance card, you don't get out of jail free and not everyone gets $200 just for passing Go. If you threw wisdom to the wind and went about "things" ;) as recklessly as they have, you WOULD have what you want. I belive this isn't something that happens when it's "supposed to" at all, it happens exactly when you decide it will. So God's not keeping it from you because it's not your time yet, you're keeping it from yourself because of all the conditions and the this-and-that that have to fall into place first.
Now, let me clarify that I'm not saying it's wrong to have your own terms and conditions or that you are wrong to feel upset because those conditions haven't fallen into place yet. That's responsible, fair and what you've wisely chosen is right for you and I support you 100% in all your decisions because I know you really think them through. I'm just saying that, in this instance, it's not a card that's been dealt to you by life. At any moment you could lower your standards, ease the conditions...but you've chosen not to be irresponsible just to get what you want and, even though it's really something to be proud of, it is most definitely a card you have dealt yourself. As soon as you *decide* the conditions are right, I have full faith God will fulfill the desire in your heart. I know it. But *you* decide. You're in control. Even though it's hard, try not to let other people's desicions make you feel any less proud and confident in yours because I believe that you've definitely made the better choice.
Okay, so you probably don't feel any less upset, but hopefully you can at least feel more secure in the life you've chosen and that God will have your back when you choose to move forward.
Thank you my seebs :) I needed to hear that. It makes my heart happy to know you support me :)
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